Drinker's Help




Beer Drinkers Fault-Finding Guide

Symptom :Drinking fails to give satisfaction; shirt front is wet.

Fault :Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror.


Symptom :Drinking fails to give satisfaction; beer is unusually pale.

Fault :Glass is empty.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.


Symptom :Feet cold and wet.

Fault :Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.


Symptom :Feet warm and wet.

Fault :Loss of self-control.

Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog; after a while complain to its owner about its lack of house-training.


Symptom :Bar blurred.

Fault :You are looking through the bottom of empty glass.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.


Symptom :Bar swaying.

Fault :Air turbulence unusually high, caused by darts match.

Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.


Symptom :Bar moving.

Fault :You are being carried out.

Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar; if not, complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.


Symptom :The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and lights.

Fault :You have fallen over backwards.

Solution: If glass is still full, and nobody is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.


Symptom :Everything is dim; mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.

Fault :You have fallen over forwards.

Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.


Symptom :Vision flashing on and off; ringing in ears.

Fault :The pub is closing.

Solution: PANIC !!!!

Good Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women

You can enjoy a beer all month long.

Beer stains wash out.

Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play rugby.

When your beer goes flat you toss it out.

A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

Hangovers go away.

Beer labels come off without a fight.

When you go to a bar - you know you can always pick up a beer.

After you have had a beer - the bottle may be worth something.

A beer wont get upset if you come home and have another beer.

If you pour a beer right - you'll always get good head.

A beer always goes down easy.

You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.

You can share a beer with your friends.

You always know, you're the first one to pop a beer.

Beer is always wet.

Beer doesn't demand equality.

Beer doesn't care when you come.

A frigid beer is a good beer.

You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

                    If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.



Please be aware I am a professional drinker and take the subject seriously.

Whilst under no obligation to place make you aware of the following, I do so out of courtesy and reasonableness.

I may appear to be; obnoxious, arrogant, loud, self-opinionated, crass, repulsive, depraved, disgusting, nauseating, despicable, foul, vulgar, contemptible and / or ignominious.

However, I will not actually be / commit any of the above. My apparent commission of the above is a failure on your part to understand my; attitude, humour, bodily functions, attire, actions and / or associates.

It is therefore, you who are at fault for ignoring this notice and failing to appreciate me.

Having notified you of the above I am relieved of any liability associated with my words, conduct or behaviour.

In the event you have reason to complain (either personally or to a third party), or use force toward me (either personally or by the involvement of a third party, directly of indirectly, responding to your reaction), I will have grounds to recover all associated costs, including consequential loss.

Be aware I am a sensitive person. In the event I am the subject of either a verbal or physical assault (or the threat of the latter) this may result in my;

1. consuming more alcohol (a cost directly attributable to and recoverable from you)

2. developing liver problems / gout / depression

3. requiring counselling (almost certainly in Harley Street, London).

Should I be diagnosed an alcoholic, I will be seeking costs in relation to maintaining my habit.

To avoid any subsequent symptoms of guilt you may be capable of feeling, you would therefore be well advised to listen attentively to what I say, agree with everything and do precisely as you are told. If you are incapable of this, I would suggest you


(your loss)





To e-mail click here:


to visit www.bermudapolice.com click here



IMPORTANT NOTICE: Bermuda.org.uk has taken reasonable care in sourcing and presenting the information contained on this site, but accepts no responsibility for any financial or other loss or damage that may result from its use. Bermuda.org.uk is not an official or authorised Bermuda police web site.