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D.I.Y. 'Stitch-Up'.

The following documents were created for a rugby tour, to be used in the end of tour 'court' which examines the nefarious actions of those who survive.

However, if you have committed crime in Bermuda, it may be worthwhile completing the forms (after a little modification) now as it will save your local officers the time, trouble and paper (they probably have an ample supply of similar material).  This will almost certainly be looked on favourably and result in your being bailed promptly.

Statement of the party accused:

Tourist Police

Defendant's Statement

This statement consisted of many blank pages each signed by me, or on my behalf by a member of the Tour Committee, and therefore must be true . I make this statement on the understanding I will not be raped in the shower by 'Mr Big' who is 'in' with the prison governor.  I have not wilfully stated in it anything which I do not believe to be true as I fully understand that is the job of the prosecution.

I did it and the other things about which I will be told later.

Signed ....................... Signature witnessed by ..................

Statement of any witness:

Tourist Police

Witness Statement

This statement (consisting of as many pages as were written in my absence, each signed by me, or on my behalf by a member of the Tour Committee acting in the interests of the majority and a successful prosecution) is a damn sight more true than anything said by the defendant. I make this statement knowing that, if tendered in evidence, I shall be greatly assisting the prosecution which is in my interests as there are more of them and they know where I live. I have not wilfully stated in it anything which I know to be false, do not believe to be true or that would harm the prosecution case.

I am the above named person. It was the criminal in the dock that did whatever the prosecution has said he did.

Signed ....................... Signature witnessed by ..................

Evidence must be given on oath.  the following oaths are required to be taken by the defendant or witness, as indicated:

WITNESS (for the prosecution)

I SWEAR BY THE ALMIGHTY GREAT DOG (SAT OUTSIDE) THAT THE EVIDENCE I GIVE WILL BE THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, OR AS NEAR TO THE TRUTH AS REQUIRED TO ENSURE A SUCCESSFUL PROSECUTION.

DEFENDANT

I  SWEAR, FREQUENTLY. THE EVIDENCE I GIVE WILL BE THE TRUTH, OR AT LEAST THE TRUTH AS I PERCEIVE IT FROM MY ORIGINAL AND OFTEN INCORRECT VIEW-POINT.

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