10 Vile. Are those limbs or growths? The older and uglier sister of ‘9’.

9 A paper bag job. Wear one yourself in case hers comes off. Check for testicles (hers if you undress, yours when you leave).

8 Undertake safe sex - give a false name & address.

7 Ugly but willing (to pay for everything; beer, food, condoms, paper bags & sex)

6 Attractive in the right light i.e. total darkness.

5.5 One more drink and she’ll be a lucky lady

5 Better looking than your roommate and if tortured, would admit to shagging.

4 Could take her home to meet your mother (assuming she’s not your mother)

3 Firm, to the touch and in her commands. Symmetrical from front & rear. Will appear clean.

2 A well rounded, quiet and ever-ready soul. Do not over-inflate.