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June

Birmuda police unable to recruit quality recruits

The Commissioner of Police today announced his proposals to address the lack of suitably qualified applicants presenting themselves for the rank of constable.  Following a comprehensive survey, it was discovered that many, who would otherwise be prepared to don a uniform, were intimidated by the law; they simply found it too difficult to grasp.  Responding to this predicament, the Commissioner has outlined a reform of the law, starting at grass roots levels.

"I want to make the law available to all.  Ignorance of the law is an excuse in Birmuda, in fact ignorance is an excuse for just about everything here.  I want to kill loads of birds with a damn great rock.  Give my men four offences and they can't help but get it right".  The proposed offences are:

• Wilful damage
• Anti social behaviour
• Nicking
• Killing and lesser injury

Considering the plan a blow for common sense, the Commissioner stressed this was not something he'd tossed off one night, but had spent considerable time playing with. "If Robert Peel can have peelers, I can have KNAWERS" he said, amongst some tittering from those present who refrained from pointing out 'Gnaw' was spelled with a 'G'.  "My knawers are going to take a bite out of crime, make no mistake about it". He continued "I yearn for the old days when you could find a lot out about paranoia simply by following people around; when having a good time was making an arrest at shift change; when you could make a criminal history check on anyone who was remotely friendly to you; when 'shallow gene pool' was sufficient grounds for arrest and when the only hallucinogen we had was exhaustion".

As for the wider issues of law enforcement such as the gathering of evidence and the Court system, the Commissioner had this response "We've never needed evidence and I do not see that now is any time to start ruining a perfectly good job.  As for Courts, they make things complicated to ensure lawyers are required.  Lawyers are smarter than my officers, they get people off.  We're not playing on a level pitch.  I want to see lawyers done away with.  Then, when you're found guilty (by the way we're going to do away with this 'guilty' and 'innocent' lark - in future it will be 'gotcha' or 'got away with it'), the time will be easier because you'd have saved a whole lot of money"

The recruits being sought will still be required to undergo an entrance exam and we managed to have sight of the draft, an extract of questions are as follows:

1. Do you believe 50% of the population are a waste of skin?
2. Do you find humour in other people's stupidity?
3. Do you believe in aerial spraying of prozac?
4. Do you believe chocolate is a food group?
5. Have you ever contemplated holding a seminar titled 'suicide, getting it right the first time'?
6. Do you believe everyone has the right to do as they like, so long as you permit it?

The more 'yes' answers, the greater the likelihood of employment.

April

all Birmudians to be sworn in as constables

An internal police memo leaked to the press today revealed the Commissioner of Police's plans to make every citizen a police officer in an attempt to combat the phenomenal growth in crime.

The commissioner of police was unavailable for comment but an aide commented "It's not the most stupid idea he's had and in a country which already has the highest number of police officer's per head of population, we're already a good way there. 

Everyone knows that cocaine is cheaper during the summer months and that's when we get the most tourists.  Therefore, it follows that it is the tourists who are to blame, not Birmundians.  Tourists are going to think twice about coming to an island to sell or buy drugs if they know everyone here is a cop. 

Let's face it, we can't get police recruitsbeing the Commissioner of Police is no fun; you lack people to order about.  This way the Commissioner becomes a very important person.  There are some logistical considerations and we are also trying to ensure that individuals are provided sufficient time to undertake their current occupations.  However, as most Birmudians only work at half pace (maximum) we do not envisage the prospect of what is effectively a second occupation presenting any problems.  Indeed, there are currently few for whom being a police officer is a principle occupation, the 'service' being akin to a hobby to the majority.

February

Impersonating police fails to secure narcotics purchase

A man was arrested last weekend after he allegedly claimed to be a Police officer and demanded a drug dealer give him a 20% discount on a wrap of crack and two bags of cannabis.

A Police report said that a 42-year-old complainant claimed he had been using and dealing for 8 years and that making a reasonable living was difficult enough without being subjected to attempts to obtain reductions by deception.

The man became suspicious when the person claiming to a police officer added that he too was finding times hard; the police station's resources were all but exhausted after the previous weeks party in the officer's mess.  Speaking to reporter's the dealer added "I knew he couldn't have been a copper; they supply my gear".

January

Police warn public over body discovery

Police are asking the public to stay away from the island's grave yard as officers undertake an investigation following the discovery of a badly decomposed body in the area on Saturday.Neither the name nor the gender of the person has been made public by Police as a positive identification has yet to be confirmed;

The body was discovered by a member of the public who claimed to have been picking flowers apparently abandoned next to several headstones.  Police said it appeared the body had been at the location for several months, possibly years. "The circumstances of the death are unknown at this time but foul play has not been ruled out," said Police spokesperson Richard Edwards (one of several Dick Eds in the service).

The investigation into the matter is being led by the Occasionally Serious Crime Unit, headed by senile officer, Hilton 'clueless' Adams who advised "It is important the public stay away from the area, we cannot protect people from dead bodies.  The finder is aware we are doing all within our power to trace the owner of the corpse but it will become his if no one claims the body in three months.  We have seized a large moss covered stone tablet on which a name, a brief sentence and some dates appear, albeit faintly.  Using state of the art equipment the forensic sciences unit  are currently examining the find however the process has been slow due to the sun affecting their ability to move in a larger magnifying glass; we've already burnt a large area of grassland."

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